Resolve to accept the body you have today. Every morning, look at your body and decide to accept that it's fine as it is today. It's your choice. You can spend your precious energy hating it and wishing it was different or you can just try out accepting it, one day at a time.
I have found this one so helpful! Some days I take it a step further: what do I really like when I look in the mirror? So I appreciate that my hair looks great today, that I have dimples when I smile which my sisters have too, that my arms are strong (my mother in law has suffered several strokes and so I now know just how many things I use that strength for)
Putting other people’s desires ahead of your own, whether it be a parent, friend, or partner, does not make you a hero and is not required to make you a good person, daughter, friend, or partner. It is okay to listen to your own desires and to put yourself first when something really matters to you. You don’t need to feel guilty for doing this. You only have one life, don’t spend it serving the desires of other people.
Yes I think it’s important for our children to see us modeling putting our needs first sometimes. It lets them see that other people’s needs matter too and that it is okay to put yourself first sometimes. I find myself doing this more as my son ages. He is a teenager now and I am starting to do a lot more for myself.
One of the things I’ve learned that has served me well is to sleep on it.
Sometimes literally sometimes figuratively.
Whether it’s leaving those bedazzled jeans in your cart for 24 hours to see if you still remember them the next day, or delay sending an email response to the one that triggers you, sleep on it.
Not everything - in fact almost nothing - demands your immediate attention. Giving the situation some space will almost always result in better decisions.
Ask for what you want - don’t expect people to be able to read your mind and resent them for that… and if you are uncomfortable with others asking for their needs to be met, maybe your needs are not being met. Gah. Life lessons everywhere, what a cracking list - I want to send it to every woman I know 🥰
One of my biggest life lessons: People aren’t mind readers. You have to ask for what you want and need.
Both my parents and my grandmother had all these silent expectations and used guilt when they weren’t met. I did the same thing for a long time. Loads of therapy later, I still struggle, but I accept that if I don’t verbalize it, I can’t expect it to magically happen.
More and more I am trying to acknowledge good feelings or moments when they happen. Sit with the joy! Sit with the pleasure! Let it flood through you and become you. Rather than glance at it then run on to the next stress to immerse yourself in, which is my habit. Immerse yourself in the good bits. When it feels good, say to yourself (and people with you!) "this is good, this is great, this is fun." I am doing that a LOT at the moment with my kids especially.
Is romance important? Sometimes. Is good sex important? Absolutely. But define what good is to you and then hold your ground, while also staying open to how life changes in a body. Definitely don't settle. You do not owe the world your embodied joy as barter for belonging.
Love is a life-long accumulation. When you look back you won't care so much about that one love that got away. You will simply look at all the love-- romantic, familial, from friends and animals and the unexpected tenderness of strangers that never leaves you-- that has settled into the cracks and crevices, surrounding and holding you, and be glad.
A controversial one, but: humility is overrated. There’s a difference between being egotistical or a braggart and knowing your worth, your talent, and your potential. We’re taught to downplay ourselves lest we make fragile egos (ahem!) feel threatened. Fuck. That. Shit.
You know your own bodies if something doesn't feel right, if one breast is doing something different to the other like one is tender to the touch but the other isn't - listen to your instinct and get a second opinion. I'm so glad I asked a different doctor to the first one - I literally saved my own life by not being afraid to say I don't agree, I know my body. My lump was too far in to ever be felt so I'm so glad I said no somethings not right or I wouldn't have been here today 🙏
Don't rely on others to reflect your worth back to you - that's inconsistent and unpredictable. Instead, learn to develop self-compassion so you can anchor your worth it within (which is ultimately way more stable and accurate!)
Oh I love so many of these. The thing I always want to tell my younger female clients who are in the dating arena is - spend less time worrying about whether they like you, and more time worrying about whether you like them. Also don't be so afraid of aging - life actually gets better 😊
Resolve to accept the body you have today. Every morning, look at your body and decide to accept that it's fine as it is today. It's your choice. You can spend your precious energy hating it and wishing it was different or you can just try out accepting it, one day at a time.
Well said x
I have found this one so helpful! Some days I take it a step further: what do I really like when I look in the mirror? So I appreciate that my hair looks great today, that I have dimples when I smile which my sisters have too, that my arms are strong (my mother in law has suffered several strokes and so I now know just how many things I use that strength for)
Putting other people’s desires ahead of your own, whether it be a parent, friend, or partner, does not make you a hero and is not required to make you a good person, daughter, friend, or partner. It is okay to listen to your own desires and to put yourself first when something really matters to you. You don’t need to feel guilty for doing this. You only have one life, don’t spend it serving the desires of other people.
That takes some learning x
I’m still learning it at 43. It’s a message to my younger self and younger women but also my current self. It’s a process
So so is. A lifetime of learning
Even your children. You can't always put them first
Yes I think it’s important for our children to see us modeling putting our needs first sometimes. It lets them see that other people’s needs matter too and that it is okay to put yourself first sometimes. I find myself doing this more as my son ages. He is a teenager now and I am starting to do a lot more for myself.
Saving this list!
One of the things I’ve learned that has served me well is to sleep on it.
Sometimes literally sometimes figuratively.
Whether it’s leaving those bedazzled jeans in your cart for 24 hours to see if you still remember them the next day, or delay sending an email response to the one that triggers you, sleep on it.
Not everything - in fact almost nothing - demands your immediate attention. Giving the situation some space will almost always result in better decisions.
I've really been practising this lately and it's made such a difference!
It’s a game changer, Kate. Giving something space always results in a better action. 💗
This is invaluable, Erin. It feels like one of the key secrets to making wise choices, small or huge.
Absolutely! I find the 24 break before acting has eliminated a lot of regret.
You’re not your mother. Live your life, not hers.
Yes!
Don’t make excuses for people who are behaving badly and don’t listen to others making excuses for them either.
Amen!
I wish I’d learned much younger that the way I feel about something is much more important than what I think about it
This is gold.
When it comes to men, don't do missionary work.
Love this
Ask for what you want - don’t expect people to be able to read your mind and resent them for that… and if you are uncomfortable with others asking for their needs to be met, maybe your needs are not being met. Gah. Life lessons everywhere, what a cracking list - I want to send it to every woman I know 🥰
One of my biggest life lessons: People aren’t mind readers. You have to ask for what you want and need.
Both my parents and my grandmother had all these silent expectations and used guilt when they weren’t met. I did the same thing for a long time. Loads of therapy later, I still struggle, but I accept that if I don’t verbalize it, I can’t expect it to magically happen.
Oh yes, the “disappointment” when you’ve failed to deliver something you didn’t know you were meant to be…
Such a great one, Helen! I'm sending this thread onto my daughter!!
More and more I am trying to acknowledge good feelings or moments when they happen. Sit with the joy! Sit with the pleasure! Let it flood through you and become you. Rather than glance at it then run on to the next stress to immerse yourself in, which is my habit. Immerse yourself in the good bits. When it feels good, say to yourself (and people with you!) "this is good, this is great, this is fun." I am doing that a LOT at the moment with my kids especially.
Intergenerational friendships are lovely and eye-opening for all involved.
Mine is: Nothing is as important as your mental health. Never feel guilty for protecting your peace.
If only I’d learnt that a couple of decades earlier…
I’m going to be 53 soon, and same.
Is romance important? Sometimes. Is good sex important? Absolutely. But define what good is to you and then hold your ground, while also staying open to how life changes in a body. Definitely don't settle. You do not owe the world your embodied joy as barter for belonging.
Love is a life-long accumulation. When you look back you won't care so much about that one love that got away. You will simply look at all the love-- romantic, familial, from friends and animals and the unexpected tenderness of strangers that never leaves you-- that has settled into the cracks and crevices, surrounding and holding you, and be glad.
Gorgeously put. Thank you.
A controversial one, but: humility is overrated. There’s a difference between being egotistical or a braggart and knowing your worth, your talent, and your potential. We’re taught to downplay ourselves lest we make fragile egos (ahem!) feel threatened. Fuck. That. Shit.
You know your own bodies if something doesn't feel right, if one breast is doing something different to the other like one is tender to the touch but the other isn't - listen to your instinct and get a second opinion. I'm so glad I asked a different doctor to the first one - I literally saved my own life by not being afraid to say I don't agree, I know my body. My lump was too far in to ever be felt so I'm so glad I said no somethings not right or I wouldn't have been here today 🙏
I’m so glad you did too
Don't rely on others to reflect your worth back to you - that's inconsistent and unpredictable. Instead, learn to develop self-compassion so you can anchor your worth it within (which is ultimately way more stable and accurate!)
Oh I love so many of these. The thing I always want to tell my younger female clients who are in the dating arena is - spend less time worrying about whether they like you, and more time worrying about whether you like them. Also don't be so afraid of aging - life actually gets better 😊