My husband and I are coming up to our 62nd wedding anniversary and we are happier than ever. Here is a simple story.
About twenty years ago, a friend was about to get married and asked me what was the secret of a happy marriage. With no notice of the question, my immediate response was all about compromise and not arguing and coping with the negatives. I went home and told my husband about the conversation and he replied: "No, it's much simpler than that – I just find you very interesting!" I thought he hit the nail on the head. We just can't stop talking to each other (although regular sex does its magic) and we both feel we are the lucky one (we happened to have discussed this about a week ago
My husband and I, married 49 years, second marriage, after brief 5 year first marriage, “just can't stop talking to each other (although regular sex does its magic) and we both feel we are the lucky one.” Both of us were very lonely in our first marriage.
I wrote recently about being married for 39 years this year...I was 27 and Rob was 33 when we met and we're now 67 and 73! It feels that we've been together a lifetime and yet no time at all. We sold our house 4 years ago to live on a narrow boat and now we've bought a motorhome too. We're both grateful to be happy spending most of our time together having adventures and to be fit and well. Getting older with a long time partner can be fun 😁 Karen
Anyone who is in a long-term marriage knows it is hard. I've been married 36 years now and call some of our years the "muddle in the middle." These were the hardest years. What kept me going is the suspicion (now proving to be right) that growing old with someone is a rare gift and true privilege. All of our stories and circumstances are different, of course, and I know many for whom marriage didn't happen. But if you are reading this and are married, keep your eye on the prize and heed Sam's advice (assuming you aren't being ignored, taken for granted or physically and/or verbally abused). The twilight is worth waiting for!
I loved reading this. We will be married 25 years this year which is RIDICULOUS. It is so helpful to read you, Sam, and I could not agree more about what you wrote about privilege.
I think we stayed married in large part because neither of us have romantic notions of marriage. Low expectations. We know it’s not the fix for happiness—but we support the other’s quest for living the life we each want.
I dunno. What a mystery. The joke at my house (except it’s the truth) is that it took me 19 years to get used to marriage, but now I like it.
Maybe I'm naive (I'm definitely feeling a bit self-conscious seeing the comments are currently full of people who've been married for dozens of years), but I'm feeling encouraged by how my 4-year marriage currently stacks up against your 17 lessons🥰 I'm sometimes not great with #10 and occasionally we walk a fine line on #14, but I'm sure we'll improve on those too. Lasting marriages are sadly an endangered species these days, so congrats to you and Jon on your 32 years! And thank you for sharing - it was so nice to read your wisdom.
You’re not naive at all! And please don’t feel self-conscious. Tbh I felt self -conscious about writing it. Like everyone would just think I should shut up. I think every year is an achievement. Congratulations.
II think the early years are actually harder - kind of like breaking in a new shoe you love :). You're still finding yourselves at the same time as you're navigating a huge change. And I know my marriage (26 years) had and will have many bumps. We just rode out the bumps rather than dodging them.
I think your second point on love languages and recognition of each other's, fundamentally saved my marriage a few years ago. I am a hugger and I'm married to a "lawn mower" so to speak. Both of us were missing the mark in terms of gratitude and appreciation. No marriage is perfect but I think since we've "met in the middle" (bl**dy compromise!) we completely changed the narrative of our marriage. Thank you for sharing - and happy anniversary.
We’re reaching 45 years this summer which seems entirely ridiculous. I would add “give each other space.” My husband travels a lot and, although it was hard when the children were small, I now really look forward to him being away… that sounds dreadful, but having a week to myself is a luxury.
Really loved reading this, Sam. I am someone who instigated a divorce, and I sympathise with the friends of yours who didn't speak the same language as their spouse. This is what I felt and found it so difficult to articulate when I was so deeply unhappy, and displaced. But I now have someone I recognise and who recognises me, and we're coming into our tenth year of knowing each other and it's the most wonderful easeful thing. You and your hubby look so lovely together. Congratulations. I also really loved Dani Shapiro's Hourglass. It's such an elegant read - apparently it took her a long time to craft something that appears to seemingly simple.
I have a good friend from university who says exactly the same. She didn’t get it til she met her second husband (her first was an utter knob). I spent a couple of glorious hours with Dani on Tuesday talking about hourglass and the one she’s working on now about the tumultuous last ten years. I think we need to think ourselves lucky that the inciting Inheritance incident didn’t happen three months earlier…
Well said. There is much involved in a marriage that combines two individuals with all their quirks and imperfections. We found each other in our early 30’s. We had family members on both sides against us. We had kids on both sides. We came from different backgrounds. Through the years we have faced much that could have broken us, yet are peacefully, contently together in our 70s.
We are friends. We are loyal to each other. We share common values, dreams.
Super congrats. You make a gorgeous couple. I wholeheartedly agree and would add from my perspective that you have to trust that the downs are temporary in order to experience the ups. Which of course takes courage. I think also having the same goals and desires in life helps. Joe and I regularly talk about what we are looking forward to together. We envisage ourselves as this little old couple doing stuff together!
So lovely and so interesting. Marriage in real life is so many things it is not in movies, and thank goodness for that. You have articulated the very real nature of what makes a relationship work long term so beautifully here Sam, thank you
This makes me so happy for you. And also a little wistful, 12+ years out from my divorce and no long-term partnership in sight. Of course, I've never seen a long-term partnership up close that I want to emulate, which is no judgment on other people's ways of being, really. It's just an understanding of my own eccentricities, impatience, and nearly pathological need for freedom. Or maybe it's simply needing respect (and some tenderness) for the one I am, which is hard to come by, in my experience, if you mostly sleep with men. It's always felt like the one I am is an impediment, a problem, definitely in their eyes. Like, why can't you be more submissive, more amenable, more accommodating, more adoring? (Whilst, to my mind, I'm bending over backwards to be all those things without utterly losing myself.)
I don't know, lovey. Why don't you give that a go instead?
SIGH. Maybe someday. But, at 53, I like my life very, very much. If partnership ever happens, it will be icing, not cake. Congratulations on your anniversary!
I’ve been married 26 years and it has never been hard or work. My life has been very difficult at times, and I’ve had to work on myself, absolutely. But I’ve never had to “work on my relationship.” I adore my wife, and we’re happy together. I would follow my wife anywhere and she would do the same for me. I think we just got very lucky.
I am 48 years married to my husband. There really is something about the patina of love. As I told a co-worker several years ago, "I love looking at my husband's face as it ages, because every line on it is a road I've traveled with him." (I hope he feels the same about my lines!).
My husband and I are coming up to our 62nd wedding anniversary and we are happier than ever. Here is a simple story.
About twenty years ago, a friend was about to get married and asked me what was the secret of a happy marriage. With no notice of the question, my immediate response was all about compromise and not arguing and coping with the negatives. I went home and told my husband about the conversation and he replied: "No, it's much simpler than that – I just find you very interesting!" I thought he hit the nail on the head. We just can't stop talking to each other (although regular sex does its magic) and we both feel we are the lucky one (we happened to have discussed this about a week ago
My husband and I, married 49 years, second marriage, after brief 5 year first marriage, “just can't stop talking to each other (although regular sex does its magic) and we both feel we are the lucky one.” Both of us were very lonely in our first marriage.
This is beautiful @Ann Richardson!
I wrote recently about being married for 39 years this year...I was 27 and Rob was 33 when we met and we're now 67 and 73! It feels that we've been together a lifetime and yet no time at all. We sold our house 4 years ago to live on a narrow boat and now we've bought a motorhome too. We're both grateful to be happy spending most of our time together having adventures and to be fit and well. Getting older with a long time partner can be fun 😁 Karen
Anyone who is in a long-term marriage knows it is hard. I've been married 36 years now and call some of our years the "muddle in the middle." These were the hardest years. What kept me going is the suspicion (now proving to be right) that growing old with someone is a rare gift and true privilege. All of our stories and circumstances are different, of course, and I know many for whom marriage didn't happen. But if you are reading this and are married, keep your eye on the prize and heed Sam's advice (assuming you aren't being ignored, taken for granted or physically and/or verbally abused). The twilight is worth waiting for!
Thank you Mary!! I feel this deeply.
Miranda and I lived in Tottenham in the 80s, I was 26 when we got married - that was 39 years ago. So the secret has to be 26 or Tottenham, right?
Both! Magic combo
Wonderful—I’ll add “coping with difficult in-laws” to the mix. And yet: love is love. Congratulations to you both! 💗
Oh lord yes!
I loved reading this. We will be married 25 years this year which is RIDICULOUS. It is so helpful to read you, Sam, and I could not agree more about what you wrote about privilege.
I think we stayed married in large part because neither of us have romantic notions of marriage. Low expectations. We know it’s not the fix for happiness—but we support the other’s quest for living the life we each want.
I dunno. What a mystery. The joke at my house (except it’s the truth) is that it took me 19 years to get used to marriage, but now I like it.
This: We know it’s not the fix for happiness—but we support the other’s quest for living the life we each want.
And I so agree with your last line. I think it’s taken me almost this long…
Maybe I'm naive (I'm definitely feeling a bit self-conscious seeing the comments are currently full of people who've been married for dozens of years), but I'm feeling encouraged by how my 4-year marriage currently stacks up against your 17 lessons🥰 I'm sometimes not great with #10 and occasionally we walk a fine line on #14, but I'm sure we'll improve on those too. Lasting marriages are sadly an endangered species these days, so congrats to you and Jon on your 32 years! And thank you for sharing - it was so nice to read your wisdom.
You’re not naive at all! And please don’t feel self-conscious. Tbh I felt self -conscious about writing it. Like everyone would just think I should shut up. I think every year is an achievement. Congratulations.
Thanks, Sam! I’m glad you wrote and published it despite your self-consciousness about it 🙂
II think the early years are actually harder - kind of like breaking in a new shoe you love :). You're still finding yourselves at the same time as you're navigating a huge change. And I know my marriage (26 years) had and will have many bumps. We just rode out the bumps rather than dodging them.
Thanks for your comment and encouragement, Shayna, and all the best for your next 26!🎉
I think your second point on love languages and recognition of each other's, fundamentally saved my marriage a few years ago. I am a hugger and I'm married to a "lawn mower" so to speak. Both of us were missing the mark in terms of gratitude and appreciation. No marriage is perfect but I think since we've "met in the middle" (bl**dy compromise!) we completely changed the narrative of our marriage. Thank you for sharing - and happy anniversary.
Thank you. We have a similar thing, I tend to buy little gifts to show my affection…
I’m a lawn mower married to a hugger. Understanding and adapting to this saved our relationship. It’s not always easy but the end result is worth it!
We’re reaching 45 years this summer which seems entirely ridiculous. I would add “give each other space.” My husband travels a lot and, although it was hard when the children were small, I now really look forward to him being away… that sounds dreadful, but having a week to myself is a luxury.
I agree. Space is key. I think when one of us is away we both enjoy it. And congrats. 45 years!
Love this. Wise and moving and as bullshit-free as ever and it looks to me, from the outside, as if you're both lucky. Congratulations! x
Thank you x
Really loved reading this, Sam. I am someone who instigated a divorce, and I sympathise with the friends of yours who didn't speak the same language as their spouse. This is what I felt and found it so difficult to articulate when I was so deeply unhappy, and displaced. But I now have someone I recognise and who recognises me, and we're coming into our tenth year of knowing each other and it's the most wonderful easeful thing. You and your hubby look so lovely together. Congratulations. I also really loved Dani Shapiro's Hourglass. It's such an elegant read - apparently it took her a long time to craft something that appears to seemingly simple.
I have a good friend from university who says exactly the same. She didn’t get it til she met her second husband (her first was an utter knob). I spent a couple of glorious hours with Dani on Tuesday talking about hourglass and the one she’s working on now about the tumultuous last ten years. I think we need to think ourselves lucky that the inciting Inheritance incident didn’t happen three months earlier…
I am very intrigued!!!!
Well said. There is much involved in a marriage that combines two individuals with all their quirks and imperfections. We found each other in our early 30’s. We had family members on both sides against us. We had kids on both sides. We came from different backgrounds. Through the years we have faced much that could have broken us, yet are peacefully, contently together in our 70s.
We are friends. We are loyal to each other. We share common values, dreams.
Somehow it has worked.
Super congrats. You make a gorgeous couple. I wholeheartedly agree and would add from my perspective that you have to trust that the downs are temporary in order to experience the ups. Which of course takes courage. I think also having the same goals and desires in life helps. Joe and I regularly talk about what we are looking forward to together. We envisage ourselves as this little old couple doing stuff together!
I love that. Sounds familiar
So lovely and so interesting. Marriage in real life is so many things it is not in movies, and thank goodness for that. You have articulated the very real nature of what makes a relationship work long term so beautifully here Sam, thank you
This makes me so happy for you. And also a little wistful, 12+ years out from my divorce and no long-term partnership in sight. Of course, I've never seen a long-term partnership up close that I want to emulate, which is no judgment on other people's ways of being, really. It's just an understanding of my own eccentricities, impatience, and nearly pathological need for freedom. Or maybe it's simply needing respect (and some tenderness) for the one I am, which is hard to come by, in my experience, if you mostly sleep with men. It's always felt like the one I am is an impediment, a problem, definitely in their eyes. Like, why can't you be more submissive, more amenable, more accommodating, more adoring? (Whilst, to my mind, I'm bending over backwards to be all those things without utterly losing myself.)
I don't know, lovey. Why don't you give that a go instead?
SIGH. Maybe someday. But, at 53, I like my life very, very much. If partnership ever happens, it will be icing, not cake. Congratulations on your anniversary!
I’ve been married 26 years and it has never been hard or work. My life has been very difficult at times, and I’ve had to work on myself, absolutely. But I’ve never had to “work on my relationship.” I adore my wife, and we’re happy together. I would follow my wife anywhere and she would do the same for me. I think we just got very lucky.
I am 48 years married to my husband. There really is something about the patina of love. As I told a co-worker several years ago, "I love looking at my husband's face as it ages, because every line on it is a road I've traveled with him." (I hope he feels the same about my lines!).