Wow, wow, wow! This couldn't have been timed any better for me! I am in an absolute 'style crisis' right now and though I am in desperate need of some winter layers, I feel completely unable to make any purchases as everything feels 'wrong' on me. And now I have read this, I realise it goes deeper than a 'style crisis' - it is actually one of identity. Clearly no coincidence at all that I am having therapy at the moment and am completely dismantling the person I was trying to force myself to be to uncover the actual me ( was going to use 'authentic' there but couldn't quite bring myself to!) And of course aging (just turned 45) is also a factor. Due to both those things, I don't quite recognise who I am yet, and therefore it feels wrong for any clothes to say anything about me. At the moment I have taken to wearing outfits I once would have been horrified by - baggy tees and tracky bums. I think these things tell the world ' I'm not trying anymore ' which may sound like giving up, but actually I think it's my way of saying 'F you world, I'm going to do my own thing' - it's my, never before had, rebellion. 'I'm not going to dress to impress (or wear make up) and you can't force me to!' I think I would like to find my style again one day, but for now, I'm going with this and it feels kind of freeing!
Yes! I went through exactly this at 46 and a couple of years after. Also in therapy dismantling the scaffolding I’d built to get through life. Stick with it!
So true… I love that Caitlin quote. In the UK, as we change seasons though it has additional dimensions of wanting to be a woman today who is neither too hot nor too cold. On my train into London this morning Im not convinced I have that aspect nailed and that can seriously impact the projection of other dimensions of being the woman I want to be! Ps Only two people? I reckon I have at least five… 😬
This is such an excellent question, Sam. Even beyond clothes and fashion I think something changes in midlife in terms of being more free to embrace your authentic self, partly because you have a fuller sense of who you are and partly because you've likely established yourself in a profession to a degree (even, and especially if you have since walked away from it) that you no longer need to prove to yourself or anyone else that you are smart, serious, worthy of respect by wearing a mask and you can use your real voice in your writing, life, etc. At least that's the case for me! I used to be so careful about how I presented myself to the world, and now if I feel like being silly or casual I am because that's who I am. I also know I'm smart and accomplished and when I want to be serious I will be, but I don't have to hide my true self in fear of judgment. It's so liberating!
This is all so true and I absolutely second it. So much of this is no longer feeling your face has to fit or caring whether or not it does (most of the time). I was led off down the clothes route by the louboutins. An easy (lazy?) metaphor!
*"I discovered clothes, makeup, hair, could act as camouflage, armour"* oh yes. When I was giving lectures to large numbers, last thing I'd do before walking in would be to go and shove a load more slap on top of already-there slap. Something I especially enjoyed on my London commute was putting makeup on in the train, and secretly laughing at the horror on some men's faces as they witnessed the degree of transformation and the artifice of *"the feminine*" was exposed in public. When you're queer or non-binary, you often have several selves. I recommend you hunt for a drag king course or just try drag for a day for yourself - a very cool way to expand your range of selves and feel less concerned with authenticity. It's all just dress-up, it's all play-acting - even the fresh faced "natural" look. Enjoy your experiments now that you're in civvies! Thanks for bringing these reflections to a wide audience.
Great article Sam - I see the versions of myself emerging to this day. I am 50 now, and at the start of "yet another" career shift which I think is going to require a LinkedIn profile. I have avoided creating one for so long as it just feels like I am writing a character profile to fit in with what "others" will expect to see. I am not even sure I can do it, but the pressure is on. I'm never going back on my promise to myself to never have to wear tights and heels again though!
I just wrote about this not that long ago - I had my NYC Glam Girl period, and while I do not regret that time in my life at all, I was never really that girl. It was cosplay, almost. I found the ultimate mask. Sure, I was a mess on the inside, but I was wobbling around in a pair of Louboutins like many other gals in the mid-aughts and spending way too much money on clothes. If I looked the part, I could succeed. It did help my confidence, even if it just taught me to fake it better.
Now? I'd break my ankle if I tried to actually walk in those shoes, if it has a constrictive waistband I ain't interested, and I have pared things down a lot. I am turning 43, and while I don't think I would ever leave the house looking like a total mess, I am not as interested in what other people think. It is very freeing in some ways.
There's my initial answer to this question, which is that I've never had the money to engage in this kind of bifurcation of self. When your shopping, by necessity, happens nearly entirely at thrift stores (charity shops) there might be "work" clothes and "home" clothes, but you're never going to be fashionable in the way you're describing here.
But then there's the deeper, more honest, answer, which is that I stopped dressing for other people sometime in my mid-40s. I was a single mom. I was painfully broke. And I just couldn't wrap my head around dressing for a man anymore, which was most of the reason I ever wore anything that felt like "not me." This is not to say I don't dress up occasionally, or in a way that feels "sexy", but it's sexy *to* *me*. I look in the mirror and I don't think, "Oh, he'll like that!". I think, "Nice. There I am." That's what I'm going for when I get dressed every day now, ultimately. I just want to look in the mirror and think, "There I am."
I admit this is a very privileged conversation. Apologies. That said, the moment you start to be and dress for yourself, not what others (male or female) want/expect is great.
Oh! You don't need to apologize. It's not an indictment, just an observation. Class position simply plays in for many of us. But, I guess, my point is more that even from that perspective, there is for women a self-objectification that functions similarly. Where you're always orienting from the outside in. It can take a long time to reorient, and some of us never do. Certainly, the powers-that-be try to ensure we don't. How would we be willing, constant consumers if we simply decided what we liked and did that instead of constantly searching for someone outside ourselves to sell us the answer?
I decided early (14) that I wouldn’t try and look a certain way. My sister was gorgeous and I was a super skinny tall redhead. Luckily it was the dawning of hippiedom so I found my tribe. I only wear high heels on occasion and only to lie down in. When I finally had a novel published I wanted a pipe and a tweed jacket with leather elbow patches. I try and consider clothes as either entirely functional or as costumes to dress a completely acknowledged ego state. To riff off a Sweatshop Union lyric - I make fashion, fashion don’t make me.
Yes! For me the clothes play a more minor role but I definitely have the sense of multiple versions of myself. It was once described to me as branches on a tree. Some versions are completely new branches, others offshoots of existing branches, but all are me.
This really struck a chord with me, I feel this all deeply and definitely have more than two people in me. Feeling my 40th and a long-awaited divorce creep closer, it's something I've been thinking about more and more.
There is a wonderful quote from Clarissa Pinkola Estes - "To be ourselves causes us to be exiled from others, yet to comply to what others want causes us to be exiled from ourselves." Brené Brown also talks about it being better to disappoint others than to disappoint ourselves - I think we have more than two identities, many more than two. We constantly step into a range of narratives and play roles within them, whether that be dutiful daughter, rebel friend, diligent housewife - the list goes on. What I want is to reconnect and honour what I refer to as our 'Wildling', the me-ness of me and the you-ness of you - our authentic self. Interestingly I feel we are most connected in childhood - before the age of about 8 and for me at least I am now more connected after menopause. As I became invisible to others I became more visible to myself - what joy.
I don’t think it’s surprising in a way Sam. As children we are not under the external spell of the dominant narratives but they creep in around the age of 8 and start to whisper and hiss and as our hormones hit (especially oxytocin) so they have a certain greater strength. Oxytocin is the cuddle hormone, the one that bonding and trust. As women we produce it most during the birth of children, lactation and orgasm. This enables us to bond with children/partner. However I feel it is also linked to us putting the child/partner first. When we hit menopause this completely reduces and we can happily say - “piss off.” We are no longer dancing to the 28 day rhythm of hormones in the same way. Our pubic hair becomes a comb-over (though some may appear on our upper lip) and our ovaries are dried out enough to use as maracas and create a new and liberating rhythm! Go shake your maracas Sam!
Life is so much easier when you decide to be you. I let my inner cowgirl shine. No matter where I am and in what company. Even a formal dress gets a pair of cowboy boots. Why did we ever torture ourselves with high heels?
Great piece Sam! Throughout my twenties and thirties I definitely maintained a wardrobe for my work. That plus a full face of makeup was my armour to face the world and the gruelling days I put in. Now, like many middle-aged women, I am more comfortable amalgamating it all into just one set of clothing that feels like me. It is also that, post-pandemic, dress codes have relaxed a bit. I look back and still like that younger me, but I am happy where I am now.
It took me decades to (mostly) become one person. And I’m still “letting go” of the wardrobe from my full-time job, since I retired 3 years ago. As a woman in tech, I didn’t want to appear old, as the reality is I would no longer be taken seriously. But the habit of camouflaging myself goes back to the very awkward pre-teenager who wanted to fit in. This piece really spoke to me. Thank you!
Hey Sam, I totally see not just every woman but everyone in this brilliant article. I am not sure that we ever get to be just one 'you'. I was thinking about myself (and I am firmly in midlife) and I have to be different versions of myself for different work situations like you have described. But then I pushed it further and thought, I am different with my mum who I grew up with to my dad who I only saw on the holidays, one sister is more my confidant and the other I am definitely her agony aunt. Perhaps we are always slightly different versions of ourselves while still being true to ourselves? I can't stand that phrase 'be the best version of yourself' for this very reason. I think on most days we all try to be and perhaps that is okay? Thanks for such a thought-provoking piece 🥰
So true...years ago I left my job in local government as I was starting my own business in the fitness industry. I sold all my suits (it was the early 90s!) to a dress agency and lived in lycra and trainers for over 25 years. I'm 67 tomorrow and now live on a narrow boat; in our last house, I had a double and triple wardrobe plus space in my husband's wardrobe! Moving onto the boat 3 years ago meant I had to give away 95% of my clothes and shoes as space is obviously at a premium when your living space is 60ft x 6ft 10in. Nowadays, I still need my lycra for yoga on the towpath, but my clothes need to be 'serviceable' for my lifestyle. I wonder if I'll ever get the opportunity to have a whole different wardrobe/lifestyle in this lifetime?
Wow, wow, wow! This couldn't have been timed any better for me! I am in an absolute 'style crisis' right now and though I am in desperate need of some winter layers, I feel completely unable to make any purchases as everything feels 'wrong' on me. And now I have read this, I realise it goes deeper than a 'style crisis' - it is actually one of identity. Clearly no coincidence at all that I am having therapy at the moment and am completely dismantling the person I was trying to force myself to be to uncover the actual me ( was going to use 'authentic' there but couldn't quite bring myself to!) And of course aging (just turned 45) is also a factor. Due to both those things, I don't quite recognise who I am yet, and therefore it feels wrong for any clothes to say anything about me. At the moment I have taken to wearing outfits I once would have been horrified by - baggy tees and tracky bums. I think these things tell the world ' I'm not trying anymore ' which may sound like giving up, but actually I think it's my way of saying 'F you world, I'm going to do my own thing' - it's my, never before had, rebellion. 'I'm not going to dress to impress (or wear make up) and you can't force me to!' I think I would like to find my style again one day, but for now, I'm going with this and it feels kind of freeing!
Yes! I went through exactly this at 46 and a couple of years after. Also in therapy dismantling the scaffolding I’d built to get through life. Stick with it!
Oh gosh, Natalie. I feel exactly the same and couldn’t have described it better. Maybe it’s the age? I’m 47.
So true… I love that Caitlin quote. In the UK, as we change seasons though it has additional dimensions of wanting to be a woman today who is neither too hot nor too cold. On my train into London this morning Im not convinced I have that aspect nailed and that can seriously impact the projection of other dimensions of being the woman I want to be! Ps Only two people? I reckon I have at least five… 😬
So true. In edinburgh where the where the wind often blows horizontal, shoulder robing would be pointless.
Absolutely
This is such an excellent question, Sam. Even beyond clothes and fashion I think something changes in midlife in terms of being more free to embrace your authentic self, partly because you have a fuller sense of who you are and partly because you've likely established yourself in a profession to a degree (even, and especially if you have since walked away from it) that you no longer need to prove to yourself or anyone else that you are smart, serious, worthy of respect by wearing a mask and you can use your real voice in your writing, life, etc. At least that's the case for me! I used to be so careful about how I presented myself to the world, and now if I feel like being silly or casual I am because that's who I am. I also know I'm smart and accomplished and when I want to be serious I will be, but I don't have to hide my true self in fear of judgment. It's so liberating!
This is all so true and I absolutely second it. So much of this is no longer feeling your face has to fit or caring whether or not it does (most of the time). I was led off down the clothes route by the louboutins. An easy (lazy?) metaphor!
It’s a perfect metaphor! 🤩
*"I discovered clothes, makeup, hair, could act as camouflage, armour"* oh yes. When I was giving lectures to large numbers, last thing I'd do before walking in would be to go and shove a load more slap on top of already-there slap. Something I especially enjoyed on my London commute was putting makeup on in the train, and secretly laughing at the horror on some men's faces as they witnessed the degree of transformation and the artifice of *"the feminine*" was exposed in public. When you're queer or non-binary, you often have several selves. I recommend you hunt for a drag king course or just try drag for a day for yourself - a very cool way to expand your range of selves and feel less concerned with authenticity. It's all just dress-up, it's all play-acting - even the fresh faced "natural" look. Enjoy your experiments now that you're in civvies! Thanks for bringing these reflections to a wide audience.
Great article Sam - I see the versions of myself emerging to this day. I am 50 now, and at the start of "yet another" career shift which I think is going to require a LinkedIn profile. I have avoided creating one for so long as it just feels like I am writing a character profile to fit in with what "others" will expect to see. I am not even sure I can do it, but the pressure is on. I'm never going back on my promise to myself to never have to wear tights and heels again though!
I had to create a LinkedIn profile when we started The Pool, for investors. I know exactly what you mean. It felt like giving in to the BS.
I love imagining your face when you read the linkedin ad;)
No comment
RBF all the way. Hate LinkedIn
I’m on linked and suspect my mortgage wouldnt be get paid if I wasn’t on linked in.
I don’t especially enjoy being there. I can’t afford not to be and I do it as professionally and authentically as I can for the purpose it serves.
I, and me, think we all have multiple selves and our identity isn’t fixed or static.
We exist in relation to others.
To communities, structures, relationships, systems, societies, others.
We limit our potential only seeing ourselves as one or two of our multiple selves?
I just wrote about this not that long ago - I had my NYC Glam Girl period, and while I do not regret that time in my life at all, I was never really that girl. It was cosplay, almost. I found the ultimate mask. Sure, I was a mess on the inside, but I was wobbling around in a pair of Louboutins like many other gals in the mid-aughts and spending way too much money on clothes. If I looked the part, I could succeed. It did help my confidence, even if it just taught me to fake it better.
Now? I'd break my ankle if I tried to actually walk in those shoes, if it has a constrictive waistband I ain't interested, and I have pared things down a lot. I am turning 43, and while I don't think I would ever leave the house looking like a total mess, I am not as interested in what other people think. It is very freeing in some ways.
There's my initial answer to this question, which is that I've never had the money to engage in this kind of bifurcation of self. When your shopping, by necessity, happens nearly entirely at thrift stores (charity shops) there might be "work" clothes and "home" clothes, but you're never going to be fashionable in the way you're describing here.
But then there's the deeper, more honest, answer, which is that I stopped dressing for other people sometime in my mid-40s. I was a single mom. I was painfully broke. And I just couldn't wrap my head around dressing for a man anymore, which was most of the reason I ever wore anything that felt like "not me." This is not to say I don't dress up occasionally, or in a way that feels "sexy", but it's sexy *to* *me*. I look in the mirror and I don't think, "Oh, he'll like that!". I think, "Nice. There I am." That's what I'm going for when I get dressed every day now, ultimately. I just want to look in the mirror and think, "There I am."
I admit this is a very privileged conversation. Apologies. That said, the moment you start to be and dress for yourself, not what others (male or female) want/expect is great.
Oh! You don't need to apologize. It's not an indictment, just an observation. Class position simply plays in for many of us. But, I guess, my point is more that even from that perspective, there is for women a self-objectification that functions similarly. Where you're always orienting from the outside in. It can take a long time to reorient, and some of us never do. Certainly, the powers-that-be try to ensure we don't. How would we be willing, constant consumers if we simply decided what we liked and did that instead of constantly searching for someone outside ourselves to sell us the answer?
I decided early (14) that I wouldn’t try and look a certain way. My sister was gorgeous and I was a super skinny tall redhead. Luckily it was the dawning of hippiedom so I found my tribe. I only wear high heels on occasion and only to lie down in. When I finally had a novel published I wanted a pipe and a tweed jacket with leather elbow patches. I try and consider clothes as either entirely functional or as costumes to dress a completely acknowledged ego state. To riff off a Sweatshop Union lyric - I make fashion, fashion don’t make me.
Yes! For me the clothes play a more minor role but I definitely have the sense of multiple versions of myself. It was once described to me as branches on a tree. Some versions are completely new branches, others offshoots of existing branches, but all are me.
I love that analogy. I think for me the problems began when I became a branch not the trunk…
I get that 😁
This really struck a chord with me, I feel this all deeply and definitely have more than two people in me. Feeling my 40th and a long-awaited divorce creep closer, it's something I've been thinking about more and more.
There is a wonderful quote from Clarissa Pinkola Estes - "To be ourselves causes us to be exiled from others, yet to comply to what others want causes us to be exiled from ourselves." Brené Brown also talks about it being better to disappoint others than to disappoint ourselves - I think we have more than two identities, many more than two. We constantly step into a range of narratives and play roles within them, whether that be dutiful daughter, rebel friend, diligent housewife - the list goes on. What I want is to reconnect and honour what I refer to as our 'Wildling', the me-ness of me and the you-ness of you - our authentic self. Interestingly I feel we are most connected in childhood - before the age of about 8 and for me at least I am now more connected after menopause. As I became invisible to others I became more visible to myself - what joy.
That’s my experience exactly. I feel much closer to the little girl me now than to any of the other iterations.
I don’t think it’s surprising in a way Sam. As children we are not under the external spell of the dominant narratives but they creep in around the age of 8 and start to whisper and hiss and as our hormones hit (especially oxytocin) so they have a certain greater strength. Oxytocin is the cuddle hormone, the one that bonding and trust. As women we produce it most during the birth of children, lactation and orgasm. This enables us to bond with children/partner. However I feel it is also linked to us putting the child/partner first. When we hit menopause this completely reduces and we can happily say - “piss off.” We are no longer dancing to the 28 day rhythm of hormones in the same way. Our pubic hair becomes a comb-over (though some may appear on our upper lip) and our ovaries are dried out enough to use as maracas and create a new and liberating rhythm! Go shake your maracas Sam!
Life is so much easier when you decide to be you. I let my inner cowgirl shine. No matter where I am and in what company. Even a formal dress gets a pair of cowboy boots. Why did we ever torture ourselves with high heels?
Great piece Sam! Throughout my twenties and thirties I definitely maintained a wardrobe for my work. That plus a full face of makeup was my armour to face the world and the gruelling days I put in. Now, like many middle-aged women, I am more comfortable amalgamating it all into just one set of clothing that feels like me. It is also that, post-pandemic, dress codes have relaxed a bit. I look back and still like that younger me, but I am happy where I am now.
It took me decades to (mostly) become one person. And I’m still “letting go” of the wardrobe from my full-time job, since I retired 3 years ago. As a woman in tech, I didn’t want to appear old, as the reality is I would no longer be taken seriously. But the habit of camouflaging myself goes back to the very awkward pre-teenager who wanted to fit in. This piece really spoke to me. Thank you!
Hey Sam, I totally see not just every woman but everyone in this brilliant article. I am not sure that we ever get to be just one 'you'. I was thinking about myself (and I am firmly in midlife) and I have to be different versions of myself for different work situations like you have described. But then I pushed it further and thought, I am different with my mum who I grew up with to my dad who I only saw on the holidays, one sister is more my confidant and the other I am definitely her agony aunt. Perhaps we are always slightly different versions of ourselves while still being true to ourselves? I can't stand that phrase 'be the best version of yourself' for this very reason. I think on most days we all try to be and perhaps that is okay? Thanks for such a thought-provoking piece 🥰
So true...years ago I left my job in local government as I was starting my own business in the fitness industry. I sold all my suits (it was the early 90s!) to a dress agency and lived in lycra and trainers for over 25 years. I'm 67 tomorrow and now live on a narrow boat; in our last house, I had a double and triple wardrobe plus space in my husband's wardrobe! Moving onto the boat 3 years ago meant I had to give away 95% of my clothes and shoes as space is obviously at a premium when your living space is 60ft x 6ft 10in. Nowadays, I still need my lycra for yoga on the towpath, but my clothes need to be 'serviceable' for my lifestyle. I wonder if I'll ever get the opportunity to have a whole different wardrobe/lifestyle in this lifetime?