Notes to my ten years younger self

Apologies if this sounds like I’ve eaten a Pinterest board. There's wisdom on them there boards!

The madness you’re feeling? Not dementia, not any kind of mental unwellness, perimenopause. 

Hot flushes/flashes are the least of it.

You are not alone. Although TBH it often feels like it. In ten years time women will be rushing to share their symptoms. Now they’re more like backing away slowly in case it’s catching.

And by the same token, ageing isn’t a sign of weakness, it’s a sign you’re still alive.

Taking HRT will not make you a traitor to the sisterhood.

Nor will not taking it.

Just as anti-depressants and therapy are not a sign of moral weakness.

Nor is needing to take a rest. In fact, it might be a good idea to take a rest before your body makes you. Fourth time lucky!

No-one will thank you for working on holiday. Or bank holiday. Or Christmas Day. And don’t ask anyone else to. No matter who’s died. 

The wisdom and generosity of other women - both older and younger - is a wonderful and unexpected thing that will make you feel like the luckiest person alive.

You’ll rediscover mischief. 

Elizabeth Gilbert said this to me when I met her at pre-publication drinks for City of Girls. Let’s just say I was at a low point.

Einstein - or whoever actually said it - was right; the definition of madness really is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. So stop doing it.

If someone else’s money is paying the bills you are not “your own boss”.

That guy with the dodgy tooth job? Don’t take his money. No matter how much you might feel you have to. 

In short, trust your gut. 

If you don’t trust it the first time then please do trust it the second. 

Cheekbones. A gift from the genetic gods. Cherish them.

Write the damn book.

External validation gives ever decreasing returns.

People pleasing will be the death of you if you’re not careful. 

No-one’s going to like you if you don’t like you.

You know what’s more poisonous than all the stimulants in the world? Self-loathing. 

When your gran said, “no-one’s looking at you”, she was right.

When she said, “you’ve made your bed, now you have to lie in it”, she wasn’t.

You’re already angsting about turning 50. Stop wasting your energy, it’s truly better over there.

Ask. You never know who might say yes.

If you wouldn’t want to do it tomorrow, you won’t want to do it in six months time. Say no now.

Prioritise those who put you first.

“Doing a geographical” is running away from something. Relocating is running towards it. There’s an important distinction. 

There is much more to life than a big house and designer discounts.

Book the holiday.

Then book another one.

That ginger hair you hated for years? Enjoy it while it lasts, it’s only a couple of years away from fading to a nothingy sort of beige.

All that money you spend on clothes and booze will be going on “wellness” 😂.

You will discover a whole community of women who - despite their many differences - feel exactly the same way you do.

Productive anger is a force for good. Random rage not so much. Holding it in is worst of all. 

Other things to appreciate right now: 20:20 eyesight, perfect hearing, flexible joints.

On that note, start doing something bendy and strength-supporting now if you want to have a hope in hell of reaching the vicinity of your toes at 58.

You will put on 7lbs, OK, nearer 14. Nobody dies. 

I know it feels like a waste of precious time, but floss. You can make that minute up, not so much the lost enamel.

Cynicism might start out as highly effective defensive armour, but it can end up destructive and self-fulfilling.

Write the damn book.

Never ever try to calculate how much you spend on coffee.

You do not need a drink, you just like the ritual.

There’s nothing more boring than a room full of drunk people when you’re sober.

Not all friendships are forever. And that’s OK. But it won’t feel like it at the time.

People come back into your life when you least expect it. In a good way!

You are not for everyone. 48 years of trying to be is more than enough. 

Katharine Hepburn was right, if you always do what interests you, at least one person is pleased. 

You are nothing without your health.

One day, in ten years time, you will be sitting in a cafe just outside Kings Cross, eavesdropping as a bloke in his thirties dissects everything that is wrong with his high paid, high stress job and, most of all, his female boss who “doesn’t understand how tough it is having a pregnant wife”, and you will thank your lucky stars you no longer have to jump through those hoops or smile and nod at those men. 

Write the damn book.

•What do you wish you knew ten years ago?