I admit to having bouts of screaming. I’m now 63, semi retired after a successful career as a civil servant, I don’t have a mortgage, I live in a lovely area, I’m not in debt, I play badminton once a week, I have two grown up successful daughters, a husband who loves me and finds me attractive, a dog who adores me and I have 2-3 good friends (I don’t need more).
So why the bouts of screaming rage? Hormones? Post menopausal but I wish my body realised that, because those hormones are still raging 😤 Frustration, because once again the dog has tramped across my newly cleaned floors with muddy paws? Shock and horror at the atrocities happening in the world, most especially to women children and animals? The banality of the things I see on social media and the TV (I only do Twitter/X but trust me that is enough). Is it any of these things?
Or is it simply the fact that this is not a life less ordinary and I can scream and chuck things about because at 63, I bloody well can and I don’t care who hears me. I no longer have to fit in, or try and make new friends, or look a certain way or feel any pressure to do what I am told.
Screaming is often scary, but liberating, it doesn’t cost anything and I can turn the music up and dance whilst screaming. Afterwards? I clean the windows, whilst quietly humming to myself...
In the darkest days of caregiving for my mother, I would go out to our car with my hand drum, sit in the back seat, and scream and sob while pounding the drum as hard as I could. When I was done, I would air the car out a moment or two, then go back inside, the pressure cooker able to go a while longer.
Screaming is good. Screaming with a hand drum is even better.
I related to so much of this. When I shared a draft of my last book that included a description of me regularly screaming into a pillow (at the advice of my somatic therapist) a friend wrote, "wait this is a joke right? If not I need to know more." NOT A JOKE. Suppressed rage is real and it is behind much chronic illness (including mine at the time) which is probably why women suffer from chronic illness at higher rates than men.
Loved reading this - im going to forward it to my eldest daughter whose 32, has a demanding full time job, 4 wonderful and demanding children, still nursing her 7 month old twin babies who wake up several times a night. A partner who’s depressed and unemployed and doesn’t take very good care of himself (another child essentially.) is it any wonder by the time women turn 40 they’re ready to blow their tops?
Feel better soon, I cherish your articles more than I can say, I feel connected to something “out there,” and substantial.
This piece resonated with me so much. So much that I’ll look for Fleishman asap. Anger, it’s been said, is caused by fear. Maybe for women is fear of loss (so many types), fear of failure (endless), on top of allll the more run of the mill garden variety fears of aging which are mostly loss related but also invisibility, discrimination, pain (aging isn’t fun). And though sometimes commiserating or heck just being with a group of people like you can feel good, affirming, aren’t we the hardest on each other????????? The other day I read to a large group of first graders (veteran on Veterans Day). My heart could’ve stopped beating, happily, after a child quite frankly announced that “I like your eyes”, and a mischievous boy asked “whose mom is Thaaast?!!’” in an unmistakably flirtatious tone. That they gave me unsolicited knee hugs was icing on a guilt-free cake. And the effect has lasted a month. On the other extreme, women my age or much younger are the first to see but pretend not to see the aging. And that, Sam, is fear.
“Who’s mom is thaaaat?!” I love that! Seriously though, you’re so so right about the fear. I think we (girls) are also taught not to be angry from a very young age and don’t know what to do with it when we are. And I hate to say this but certainly I found younger women much much more judgemental and intolerant as I entered perimeno. Understandably they didn’t want to hear it.
Sam I’m in a strange position (wonderfully) of raising two young boys so I’m about 15-20 years older than “average” of 26-36 year old moms my children’s ages. Talk about weirdly isolated! I have truly tried to connect and make friends. I have made one who is charitable 🤦🏼♀️(Ugg) and one who is I think just truly wanting a friendship. So I might be lucky. It’s a tough tundra out there. X
It’s tough being “out of synch” with where society says you should be. I “got” a stepson when I was 26 and he lived with us from age 10. My friends didn’t have kids, most for another ten years or so. Now they have late teenagers and I have a nine year old step granddaughter. It can def be isolating
LCK. I’ve got to say that I L o v e d reading your account of being in school, reading to the children. You can’t fail to be touched by their innocence or lack thereof 😍
And.....
Thank you for removing the paywall Sam, and I sincerely hope you rid yourself of the bugs bothering your immune system this week VERY soon. Rest up x
I had my most recent scream on Monday - in the car, pent up with alllll the things you mention and just couldn’t keep it in. Felt so much better afterwards (I always do) 😅
Morning Sam, Enjoyed this article. I guess it's because it's been freed from the paywall I'm just reading it now, given it was published March 2nd :-)
As for screaming, I don't think I have enough energy... oh and probably because of the anti depressants I'm on, thankfully I don't feel like screaming. Everything is kinda numbed out. Good or bad thing? It's all relative.
Like another poster said, I now need to dig out Fleishman Is In Trouble? Love your podcasts.
Yea, it's not quite the panacea we're looking for. Another thing I swear by is Yoga. I got into it this time last year. There is something quite special about it. Soothes my soul.
Oh I feel so seen, the entirety of it but also specifically the 'too ginger' hits home... We need to work together to make life less screamerific for us that identify as female 😢🥰
Some die because the scream is still choked. Thank you for making this one open. I got bad news about a near colleague who I wish I had had enough contact with to be a friend
Just before Christmas this year. I was doing the changeover for my son to stay with his Dad at my parents house. I was feeling overwhelmed already when the men decided to try and pile one more thing on me. I stepped out into my parents middle class walled front garden and screamed and screamed at the top of my voice. I didn't think I would be able to stop. And then I just walked out and kept walking. The rage would not stay quiet any longer.
Thank you! I have had many times when I have wanted to scream at the top of my lungs in hopes that it would relieve the heavy burden of stress. If a rooster can wake up screaming why can't I? 😹 Lately I've related myself to the character, from "Inside out", anger. Feeling like I'm on fire, angry about everything all the time and constantly trying to drown myself because it's just me, I'm the only one that is angry.
I just came across your post in Notes and the title immediately got my attention - I’m in my 50s and have vivid memories of reaching so many screaming points in my 40s. When life throws so much at us sometimes the only way to feel better is a good scream.
Boy, I wanted to underline everything in this article. I am relatively new to feeling my hard feelings, especially my anger, and I told my therapist the other day that I was worried because I expected, after a while of feeling it and creating space for it and listening to it, it would start to process and heal. Instead my rage just keeps getting bigger. It feels endless. I am note quite midlife, but I feel this part all the way down to my bones "There was a time, not so long ago, in my late 40s, when if I had started screaming I don’t know how I would have stopped. I don't know if I could have stopped..."
When I started therapy for CPTSD in my mid 40s I couldn’t get my head around emotions at all. Having spent decades suppressing them they were a revelation. And not necessarily in a good way!
Yes 1000%!! My first therapist actually prescribed the movie Inside Out for me early on this journey and the idea that there was, not just space, but also an important purpose for all emotions, including Sadness (which I had rejected as wholeheartedly as Anger) was like an earthquake to one of my core Identity Islands. The whole thing was rubble after that.
It. Is. So. Much.! And I thought the rage could not get worse, and then comes the immoral waste-of-human-flesh known as Ken Paxton and the Texas Taliban forcing a woman to come before them and beg for medical care! I am beyond incensed!!
I admit to having bouts of screaming. I’m now 63, semi retired after a successful career as a civil servant, I don’t have a mortgage, I live in a lovely area, I’m not in debt, I play badminton once a week, I have two grown up successful daughters, a husband who loves me and finds me attractive, a dog who adores me and I have 2-3 good friends (I don’t need more).
So why the bouts of screaming rage? Hormones? Post menopausal but I wish my body realised that, because those hormones are still raging 😤 Frustration, because once again the dog has tramped across my newly cleaned floors with muddy paws? Shock and horror at the atrocities happening in the world, most especially to women children and animals? The banality of the things I see on social media and the TV (I only do Twitter/X but trust me that is enough). Is it any of these things?
Or is it simply the fact that this is not a life less ordinary and I can scream and chuck things about because at 63, I bloody well can and I don’t care who hears me. I no longer have to fit in, or try and make new friends, or look a certain way or feel any pressure to do what I am told.
Screaming is often scary, but liberating, it doesn’t cost anything and I can turn the music up and dance whilst screaming. Afterwards? I clean the windows, whilst quietly humming to myself...
In the darkest days of caregiving for my mother, I would go out to our car with my hand drum, sit in the back seat, and scream and sob while pounding the drum as hard as I could. When I was done, I would air the car out a moment or two, then go back inside, the pressure cooker able to go a while longer.
Screaming is good. Screaming with a hand drum is even better.
Collective rage can change the world.
I'm here for that!
Re: desparately seeking friendship...
I have 2 cliches that keep me pretty well-grounded.
1) Relationships (friendships) doesn’t work out? You have made yourself crazy trying to get it right? Their loss, not yours.
2) A book is a friend you can carry in your pocket.
I related to so much of this. When I shared a draft of my last book that included a description of me regularly screaming into a pillow (at the advice of my somatic therapist) a friend wrote, "wait this is a joke right? If not I need to know more." NOT A JOKE. Suppressed rage is real and it is behind much chronic illness (including mine at the time) which is probably why women suffer from chronic illness at higher rates than men.
YES. I truly believe it’s a killer.
I have also been prescribed 'screaming into a pillow' by multiple therapists!
Loved reading this - im going to forward it to my eldest daughter whose 32, has a demanding full time job, 4 wonderful and demanding children, still nursing her 7 month old twin babies who wake up several times a night. A partner who’s depressed and unemployed and doesn’t take very good care of himself (another child essentially.) is it any wonder by the time women turn 40 they’re ready to blow their tops?
Feel better soon, I cherish your articles more than I can say, I feel connected to something “out there,” and substantial.
You do good work!!!
Thank you ❤️
Thank you. Please send all my good wishes to your daughter. Sounds like she needs a good scream.
Sam,I hope you feel better soon…
This piece resonated with me so much. So much that I’ll look for Fleishman asap. Anger, it’s been said, is caused by fear. Maybe for women is fear of loss (so many types), fear of failure (endless), on top of allll the more run of the mill garden variety fears of aging which are mostly loss related but also invisibility, discrimination, pain (aging isn’t fun). And though sometimes commiserating or heck just being with a group of people like you can feel good, affirming, aren’t we the hardest on each other????????? The other day I read to a large group of first graders (veteran on Veterans Day). My heart could’ve stopped beating, happily, after a child quite frankly announced that “I like your eyes”, and a mischievous boy asked “whose mom is Thaaast?!!’” in an unmistakably flirtatious tone. That they gave me unsolicited knee hugs was icing on a guilt-free cake. And the effect has lasted a month. On the other extreme, women my age or much younger are the first to see but pretend not to see the aging. And that, Sam, is fear.
“Who’s mom is thaaaat?!” I love that! Seriously though, you’re so so right about the fear. I think we (girls) are also taught not to be angry from a very young age and don’t know what to do with it when we are. And I hate to say this but certainly I found younger women much much more judgemental and intolerant as I entered perimeno. Understandably they didn’t want to hear it.
Sam I’m in a strange position (wonderfully) of raising two young boys so I’m about 15-20 years older than “average” of 26-36 year old moms my children’s ages. Talk about weirdly isolated! I have truly tried to connect and make friends. I have made one who is charitable 🤦🏼♀️(Ugg) and one who is I think just truly wanting a friendship. So I might be lucky. It’s a tough tundra out there. X
It’s tough being “out of synch” with where society says you should be. I “got” a stepson when I was 26 and he lived with us from age 10. My friends didn’t have kids, most for another ten years or so. Now they have late teenagers and I have a nine year old step granddaughter. It can def be isolating
LCK. I’ve got to say that I L o v e d reading your account of being in school, reading to the children. You can’t fail to be touched by their innocence or lack thereof 😍
And.....
Thank you for removing the paywall Sam, and I sincerely hope you rid yourself of the bugs bothering your immune system this week VERY soon. Rest up x
I had my most recent scream on Monday - in the car, pent up with alllll the things you mention and just couldn’t keep it in. Felt so much better afterwards (I always do) 😅
😱😱😱
Morning Sam, Enjoyed this article. I guess it's because it's been freed from the paywall I'm just reading it now, given it was published March 2nd :-)
As for screaming, I don't think I have enough energy... oh and probably because of the anti depressants I'm on, thankfully I don't feel like screaming. Everything is kinda numbed out. Good or bad thing? It's all relative.
Like another poster said, I now need to dig out Fleishman Is In Trouble? Love your podcasts.
That’s a good point about anti depressants - I’m on them too. It’s so good to be levelled out and the lows not plummet quite so low, but...?
Yea, it's not quite the panacea we're looking for. Another thing I swear by is Yoga. I got into it this time last year. There is something quite special about it. Soothes my soul.
Interesting. I’ve tried a couple of times but am so unbends it just feels like another thing to be bad at. Maybe I’ll try again.
Oh I feel so seen, the entirety of it but also specifically the 'too ginger' hits home... We need to work together to make life less screamerific for us that identify as female 😢🥰
So easy to be “wrong” and so hard to be right. If, as you say, you identify as female. X
Some die because the scream is still choked. Thank you for making this one open. I got bad news about a near colleague who I wish I had had enough contact with to be a friend
I’m so sorry. The suicide statistics bear this out, ditto the rise in eating disorders and mental health issues, but talk about it? Nah!
Yes me too! Thanks so much for sharing this post Sam :)
Get well soon x
On the mend thank goodness. Hope you’re feeling better x
Like covid but without the positive test. 😡
Oh dear that’s is not good, poor you. Dive into books if you have the energy xx
Trying but BIG headache
Have you ever tried a cooling gel? There are some lovely peppermint ones specifically for headaches that you place in the temples of your forehead. X
Just before Christmas this year. I was doing the changeover for my son to stay with his Dad at my parents house. I was feeling overwhelmed already when the men decided to try and pile one more thing on me. I stepped out into my parents middle class walled front garden and screamed and screamed at the top of my voice. I didn't think I would be able to stop. And then I just walked out and kept walking. The rage would not stay quiet any longer.
Thank you! I have had many times when I have wanted to scream at the top of my lungs in hopes that it would relieve the heavy burden of stress. If a rooster can wake up screaming why can't I? 😹 Lately I've related myself to the character, from "Inside out", anger. Feeling like I'm on fire, angry about everything all the time and constantly trying to drown myself because it's just me, I'm the only one that is angry.
You are definitely not the only one boiling with fury and nowhere to put it. I know Inside Out was meant to be for children but I found it revelatory!
There is a second "Inside out" movie coming out in 2024, I'm excited.
I just came across your post in Notes and the title immediately got my attention - I’m in my 50s and have vivid memories of reaching so many screaming points in my 40s. When life throws so much at us sometimes the only way to feel better is a good scream.
Boy, I wanted to underline everything in this article. I am relatively new to feeling my hard feelings, especially my anger, and I told my therapist the other day that I was worried because I expected, after a while of feeling it and creating space for it and listening to it, it would start to process and heal. Instead my rage just keeps getting bigger. It feels endless. I am note quite midlife, but I feel this part all the way down to my bones "There was a time, not so long ago, in my late 40s, when if I had started screaming I don’t know how I would have stopped. I don't know if I could have stopped..."
When I started therapy for CPTSD in my mid 40s I couldn’t get my head around emotions at all. Having spent decades suppressing them they were a revelation. And not necessarily in a good way!
Yes 1000%!! My first therapist actually prescribed the movie Inside Out for me early on this journey and the idea that there was, not just space, but also an important purpose for all emotions, including Sadness (which I had rejected as wholeheartedly as Anger) was like an earthquake to one of my core Identity Islands. The whole thing was rubble after that.
That’s so funny. I was having therapy about that time and I remember saying to my therapist how mind blown I was there were FIVE emotions.
Ahahaha ohmygosh YES
It. Is. So. Much.! And I thought the rage could not get worse, and then comes the immoral waste-of-human-flesh known as Ken Paxton and the Texas Taliban forcing a woman to come before them and beg for medical care! I am beyond incensed!!