I relate! My father‘s mantra was “whatever you do, be the best at it.” That requires even more than 85%. I had a career pivot at 50 when I realized my work, as a forensic psychologist, was about externally imposed values - prestige (in someone’s eyes but definitely not mine), money, my father’s pride, etc. -but was sucking the Life force out of me. I switched to heart centered work, which feeds my soul, though, not the bank account quite as much. It’s a great trade-off! by the way, what is a loo? A diaper?
Thank you for this article! It spoke to me. Never thought it might be a generation thing but you started me thinking there might be a systemic problem here with women of our generation going on. I’m from Germany and in my circle of close friends we had 3 burnout cases, including myself. So it can’t be all Thatcher, if that’s a relief ? ;).
I’m thinking there might be a strong social conditioning coming into it. Caring about oneself and putting one’s needs above those of others is just unthinkable and that impacts our private as well as our professional lives. I would be very much interested if there has been studies on what’s going on with our generation, any readings you would recommend? I want to dig deeper.
I totally agree it’s systemic. I think the generational thing comes into play when you look at the first generation of women who were told they could have a career and a family but nobody ever suggested to men they might be required to change their behaviour (not all men obv). Turn there’s The way “selfish” is used against women who dare to put themselves first and never against men, for another. I’m so glad to see the conversation about burnout bc I definitely think (much) younger women are better at recognising their own needs. I’ve watched in awe as women I know in their very early 30s have drawn boundaries I wouldn’t dare to. Even now I think I’m healthier!
Re books I’m actually looking right now as there’s a bit of a lack. Marina Benjamin’s book A Little Give is interesting. As is Elise Loehnen’s on our best behaviour. There are lots of memoirs and biographies coming through that address it too.
Thank you! I have checked out your recommendations and they go firmly on my to read list.
I myself am reading currently Mareike Fallwickls Die Wut, die bleibt, the rage that remains. It’s a novel and explores what it means to be a woman in today’s society. It’s brutal and I can only read a chapter at a time. Sadly not yet translated into English, but might be worth checking out imo.
What I wanted to ask: are there any sociological studies that you know about on the topic? I’m looking for something that goes beyond anecdotal / autobiographical/fictional. Appreciate your answer 🫶🏻
I was just talking last night to a friend about when I was doing my O levels and how utterly self sufficient I was - didn't involve my parents; swotted like crazy - MUST DO WELL - and how that has seen me through the subsequent years of my life. I now find myself at 52 wondering why I pummel the treadmill of busyness so damn hard and whether it's always necessary. Like you being ill Adele, I had breast cancer almost 2 years ago and still ploughed through work and life like a demon. Is this a Gen X thing I wonder? And if so, why/how?
I really think it is. Good girl, self made, meritocratic, the first have it all/do it all gen (while boys were - and I fear still are - being taught to expect to have a wife…) plus still being brought up to “entertain ourselves” etc. like you, ploughing through has got me through a whole lot, but with hindsight it’s also caused a ton of problems
Mid to late fifties, and everything you said. Currently doing a Masters and desperate for more gold stars. Also, every school in the country left the bloody milk (and the pink straws) next to the hot water pipes. Why did they do that? I can taste it now, Luke warm and revolting.
Great post. I've tried to live by the 85% rule for a long time.... the other 15% is for the radical act of REST! Oh and my teenage career dream was to write for Smash Hits too 😀❤
I ran a conference programme this summer and one of the off record side meeting conclusions was wouldn’t it be nice for the female keynote speakers to be ‘just ok’ like so many men are. In the end they were distinctly average and omfg did people try to make an issue of bias towards women afterwards and that they’d only been picked for their gender.
This! As a child of the same era and background, I have constantly berated myself when not trying to over achieve. Even when I was seriously ill I didn’t give myself permission to be less than 100%...although this wasn’t actually helped by my employer/some of my work colleagues...ironically two female and whilst working at a mental health charity no less. I’m not sure if you have started your second book but THIS! X
That is a GOOD call. I started writing about the messages we give children yesterday but I would have been there all day. It’s the good girl thing again but all mixed up with class and generation etc
Love everything about this. I work with women who are just totally overwhelmed (and I’m only an extra expectation on me away form it all the time)…. Love this idea of being ok with 85% and just ‘being’ the rest of the time 👍
😂
I relate! My father‘s mantra was “whatever you do, be the best at it.” That requires even more than 85%. I had a career pivot at 50 when I realized my work, as a forensic psychologist, was about externally imposed values - prestige (in someone’s eyes but definitely not mine), money, my father’s pride, etc. -but was sucking the Life force out of me. I switched to heart centered work, which feeds my soul, though, not the bank account quite as much. It’s a great trade-off! by the way, what is a loo? A diaper?
No a loo roll is toilet paper!
Duh! The Loo! Embarrassed American here 😂
Not at all. I should have thought of that
Thank you for this article! It spoke to me. Never thought it might be a generation thing but you started me thinking there might be a systemic problem here with women of our generation going on. I’m from Germany and in my circle of close friends we had 3 burnout cases, including myself. So it can’t be all Thatcher, if that’s a relief ? ;).
I’m thinking there might be a strong social conditioning coming into it. Caring about oneself and putting one’s needs above those of others is just unthinkable and that impacts our private as well as our professional lives. I would be very much interested if there has been studies on what’s going on with our generation, any readings you would recommend? I want to dig deeper.
I totally agree it’s systemic. I think the generational thing comes into play when you look at the first generation of women who were told they could have a career and a family but nobody ever suggested to men they might be required to change their behaviour (not all men obv). Turn there’s The way “selfish” is used against women who dare to put themselves first and never against men, for another. I’m so glad to see the conversation about burnout bc I definitely think (much) younger women are better at recognising their own needs. I’ve watched in awe as women I know in their very early 30s have drawn boundaries I wouldn’t dare to. Even now I think I’m healthier!
Re books I’m actually looking right now as there’s a bit of a lack. Marina Benjamin’s book A Little Give is interesting. As is Elise Loehnen’s on our best behaviour. There are lots of memoirs and biographies coming through that address it too.
Thank you! I have checked out your recommendations and they go firmly on my to read list.
I myself am reading currently Mareike Fallwickls Die Wut, die bleibt, the rage that remains. It’s a novel and explores what it means to be a woman in today’s society. It’s brutal and I can only read a chapter at a time. Sadly not yet translated into English, but might be worth checking out imo.
What I wanted to ask: are there any sociological studies that you know about on the topic? I’m looking for something that goes beyond anecdotal / autobiographical/fictional. Appreciate your answer 🫶🏻
You might find Soraya Chemaly’s book on women’s anger interesting. I found it really helpful when I was writing my book.
Not that I know of but let me ask around. Someone will definitely be working on it
I was just talking last night to a friend about when I was doing my O levels and how utterly self sufficient I was - didn't involve my parents; swotted like crazy - MUST DO WELL - and how that has seen me through the subsequent years of my life. I now find myself at 52 wondering why I pummel the treadmill of busyness so damn hard and whether it's always necessary. Like you being ill Adele, I had breast cancer almost 2 years ago and still ploughed through work and life like a demon. Is this a Gen X thing I wonder? And if so, why/how?
I really think it is. Good girl, self made, meritocratic, the first have it all/do it all gen (while boys were - and I fear still are - being taught to expect to have a wife…) plus still being brought up to “entertain ourselves” etc. like you, ploughing through has got me through a whole lot, but with hindsight it’s also caused a ton of problems
And it worked and gave us nice endorphins until it didn’t.
You nailed it.
100%
Just a little note to say so glad you are still here Jenny...x
Aww thanks, babe. In the words of the great Matthew Wilder - aint nothing gonna break my stride! xx
Mid to late fifties, and everything you said. Currently doing a Masters and desperate for more gold stars. Also, every school in the country left the bloody milk (and the pink straws) next to the hot water pipes. Why did they do that? I can taste it now, Luke warm and revolting.
By the pipes or outside in the sun til 5 mins before they wanted it. 🤮 I have loathed milk ever since!
It’s amazing we have bones
Great post. I've tried to live by the 85% rule for a long time.... the other 15% is for the radical act of REST! Oh and my teenage career dream was to write for Smash Hits too 😀❤
I ran a conference programme this summer and one of the off record side meeting conclusions was wouldn’t it be nice for the female keynote speakers to be ‘just ok’ like so many men are. In the end they were distinctly average and omfg did people try to make an issue of bias towards women afterwards and that they’d only been picked for their gender.
It’s SO predictable isn’t it?
This! As a child of the same era and background, I have constantly berated myself when not trying to over achieve. Even when I was seriously ill I didn’t give myself permission to be less than 100%...although this wasn’t actually helped by my employer/some of my work colleagues...ironically two female and whilst working at a mental health charity no less. I’m not sure if you have started your second book but THIS! X
That is a GOOD call. I started writing about the messages we give children yesterday but I would have been there all day. It’s the good girl thing again but all mixed up with class and generation etc
It is. I love the late, great, Deborah Orrs Motherwell as it resonated....and it still makes me sad she isn’t here to enjoy her success.
Oh I no. What a genius.
Be right back, just going to make my partner read this and read it again 🙏😂
Love everything about this. I work with women who are just totally overwhelmed (and I’m only an extra expectation on me away form it all the time)…. Love this idea of being ok with 85% and just ‘being’ the rest of the time 👍