The myth of mutuality

An invisible power imbalance dominates many relationships. How equal is yours really, asks Melissa Hogenboom

Whose idea was this again? (Photo by Hassan Weller on Unsplash)

Have you ever stopped to think about who in your relationship makes the most decisions? Is it shared? And if it is, do those decisions fall into particular domains – say household versus larger financial decisions? And how in control are you of sharing this load?

Every relationship consists of subtle power plays that can affect how much free time we have, from whose career gets prioritised to who does the laundry. When it comes to relationship power, researchers tend to define it by how much influence you have over the other person, including their thoughts or behaviour. And some of this power is invisible.

I started to reframe his ambition as our mutual adventure, perhaps to ease the discomfort of this not being my ideal move. I’ve since learnt that this has a name, it’s called the myth of mutuality and it’s surprisingly common

I spend a lot of time researching and writing about gender inequality but even so, I take on most of the mental labour in my relationship, especially when it comes to the kids. Even professionally, I will sometimes move plans if an important deadline comes up for my husband – but he’ll do the same for me, too. His job is client facing so typically less flexible than mine, and I’m more in control of my deadlines.

But what about the big stuff? That’s when invisible power can start to cause problems.