'I think my sisters took a lot on the chin for me'
Talking shame, sisterhood, success, failing to fit the mould and discovering your own personal ambition threshold, with Lola Kirke
Earlier this year I read a book that I loved so much I decided to ignore my own rules and interview the author, even though she’s a childlike 34. (What are rules for, if not for breaking?)
Anyway, the book was Wild West Village: Not a memoir (unless I win an Oscar, die tragically, or score a Country #1) and the author is,
. Actress (you can currently see her on screen in the smash hit movie, Sinners), singer/songwriter and now writer. And not only has she had a fascinating life (so far), she can write and she’s really annoyingly effortlessly funny.In her (not a) memoir, she untangles her eccentric upbringing in the West Village with her parents, musician Simon Kirke and designer Lorraine Kirke, and sisters, actor Jemima and doulla Domino, and brother Greg. (More about that name thing later.)
I spent my whole life trying not to get pregnant. And then suddenly every Instagram ad is like, ‘Freeze your eggs!’ ‘Freeze your face!’ And then it's like, wait, where did this threshold come from, when did I cross it?
Lola and I talked shame, how your place in the family shapes you, the abundance dilemma, sisterhood, comparison culture, not fitting anybody’s mould, body dysmorphia, country music and Aunt Joan (Didion). Here’s our chat…
Sam: I absolutely loved the book. I was weeping in a good way and a bad way. Are your family still speaking to you?
Lola: Mostly, yes!
When did they first see it?
I sent it to them over [last] summer. Although they’d been aware for a while that I was writing it. I think it's clear from the book that my role in the family – or at least what I assumed was my role in the family, which I feel like I'm beginning to get a lot of intel about as I get older! – is that what I’ve assumed my role is in life, that I'm the perfect one. Everyone else is kind of fallible and I am Saint Lola…
Fair enough.
Right, thank you! So I was nervous about shifting that presumed role. And I remember feeling like, I'd go out to dinner with my mom and just be like, ‘I just wanna let you know I love you!’ before she read it. I felt like I was being dishonest in a way because I was being honest within my book and I think that's a really complicated thing to do. Part of that was feeling like I hadn't been forthright in my personal life with my family, about the way I'd felt about things, or what my experience of things was. And that's complicated. Sometimes it's hard to be like, ‘Hey, this thing is really painful or doesn't feel good’ because that kind of vulnerability isn't really welcomed or part of the way the dynamic works. But what's been really beautiful about the experience of sharing the book with them has been the sense really, with my mom, that I am lovable no matter what. The unconditional love that I really craved. I feel like we have a really good relationship and it's shown me that that was always really there in its own way.
And my sisters as well… it feels so good to be around them, knowing that I've said the things I've said and they're like, we still love you.