"Fighting insomnia is exhausting. I decided to embrace it"

After months of tortuous sleepless nights, Annabel Abbs discovered her Night Self

One of my plans for 2024 is to bring you more guest columns, where other women share their thoughts, learnings and life experiences. First up is the award-winning writer Annabel Abbs, author of several works of fiction and non-fiction, including Windswept: Why Women Walk. In the winter of 2020, Annabel suffered a series of bereavements. Overcome with grief she found herself unable to sleep. In her new book, Sleepless, Annabel takes us on her journey to reach an understanding with insomnia and what it taught her – and the many sleepless women who’d gone before. (I also have five free copies to give away to paying subscribers. See the end of this essay for more details.)

I pull on my wellies, quietly close the front door behind me, and step out into the lane. The breeze tugs at my pyjamas as I look back at the cottage where my family are sleeping. Instantly I feel a spike of fear, a sudden clenching of my throat and heart. It’s midnight and moonless. I can see nothing but thick dense darkness. A voice in my head tells me to turn back, to return to the bed where I cannot sleep, to lie and wait, perhaps pop a pill. My body turns instinctively, my arm reaching with relief for the door. 

But this time I take no notice. I am well-acquainted with this fearful Night Self and I know that she can be talked down. More importantly, I know that the darkness has gifts to give. Gifts that I need more now than ever. So I step out into the night. And I walk.